Exhibits, Shows and Displays - How do you like my story?

How do you like my story?

This is one that just came to me. I'm 11, so nothing too critical. It's fiction, and i let my mind flow with that :). I walk down the stairs; another horrible day of school, just when i remembered i had a feild trip. Wonderful. I rush to pack up my lunch, and i swing out of the door without saying goodbye. Was that a big mistake. When I was touring the butterfly exhibit, my teacher called me over. She said with a sigh "Your father called. He is coming to pick you up." I'll be straight out with this. My father is an alchoholic. I worry for him, but at the same time i hate him. 10 minutes past. 20. 30. It became two hours and i started to worry. My teacher was staring at me too with a concerned look. A cop had confronted her. They were talking about my dad; i swore i heard his name. Had he gotten a DUI? I couldn't afford to ask relatives for money again. My mind started racing, and i couldn't focus at all. My teacher pointed over at me, and the cop strut my way. I couldn't take this, it was too painful. So i did the only thing i'm good at, i ran. Hours past as i hid in the storage closet. Right when i couln't take the strong odor anymore, somebody opened the door. It was the cop. My heart raced so fast, i couldn't even breath. The cop came to a soft expression, and he said to me, "Your father was drunk driving. He ran into a car, and was killed."

Public Comments

:S kinda sad, especially since you're only 11 answer mine? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100823183851AAJSYlg
This Gave Me Goosebumps :) But The Ending Was A Bit Predictable
The pace was to fast, slow it down a bit. The ending was way to predictable. Also, you have a lot of grammatical errors, and each one takes me out of the story... Hope this helped! Good Luck!
WOOW, It is awesome for your age! It made me want to read more and more, and finally at the end, my questions were answered! Good job!
Well, not bad for 11. I think it looks like it's going at a fast pace. Maybe describe more. What did the cop look like, etc.
It rushes. You don't get anything. You should add a ton more details! Also, the dead dad was very predictable try to make it harder to see coming. You need to do a lot more to this! I know that she's eleven. She asked for opinions so I told her how to improve it. I didn't say it rudely like I could've.
Ice Queen, I don't mean to sound rude, but it's an 11 year old you're talking to. Well, writing to. It's not like he/she is a college student. I for one think it's pretty good for an 11 year old. It is a little fast-paced I must agree. You should take time to describe everything around the main character. Such as what the officer looked like, or what his/her father looks like as he's drunk. Good luck and keep writing ^-^
This is a good story... For a start right? Here are a few tips: People don't like reading stories with bad endings. So you might what to bring it to a more heart warming end. And some details that make your readers feel like they're there. With such a good conflict, you could introduce a second problem and make the story escalate nicely... Say maybe she has a boyfriend... Does she have a mom? Was she on the field trip when all this happened? What were her friend and other students reactions? But you did a very nice job for 11... My stories kinda sucked when I was 11...lol Keep on writing and good luck! ( =